Narcissistic Collapse!

Narcissistic Collapse

Picture a hot air balloon, big, beautiful, colorful. There is a balloon festival in Albuquerque every year that I hear is amazing. You have to keep the hot air blowing constantly into the balloon or it will soon wither and fall crashing to the ground; this describes the collapsed narcissist to a tee. They need a constant supply of hot air blowing into the very empty space inside themselves, or their whole persona collapses. Why does this happen, what does this look like, and will they bounce back? We’ll explore those questions, and more.

First, why does this happen?

The narcissist, like the balloon, is a grand, though thin and fragile, exterior covering an empty, unstable, non- solid sense of self. Their development was arrested and their internal shame, insecurities, and confusion, have been covered over by a façade of grandiosity, arrogance, rudeness, self-centeredness, and a focus on the superficial pursuits of wealth, power, and attractiveness. They are high-functioning social predators; they acquire power and self-esteem, by taking it away from others. They lack self-reflection, insight, remorse or empathy, and they will always blame others for their own bad behavior.

This balloon can burst or run out of hot air for many reasons including; not getting the things, attention, or adoration they want, or having to face any of the normal struggles and disappointments of life. But the more severe and most common causes of narcissistic collapse usually happen when the primary supply person or persons stop filling the balloon.

Usually this is when the significant other gets tired of propping them up, bolstering their unstable ego, dealing with their abuse, or neglect, sick of being their rescuer. They could be fed up with being used, lied to, bullied, or being taken for granted. Or it could be that the narcissist is being exposed at work, school, or in their social circles for their games, manipulations, dishonesty, or fraud. In any of these ways, the light is being shown on their dark deeds, and the reality of who they are is being seen for what it is. The collapse happens as the significant other, or work, school or social circles, stop feeding their needs and the narcissist is deflated, tail-spinning violently into the ground.

What does this look like? The collapsed narcissist often looks like a large, scary, tantrumming child; they are decompensating, and needy to the point it seems their very survival is dependent on the supply being renewed and the façade being put back in order.

The narcissist may have no sense that they have caused this to occur, or they may be fully aware; either way, they are not as concerned that they exhausted people’s patience, energy, generosity and forgiveness. They instead are hyper-focused on getting it all put back in place, and punishing those who they perceive are to blame for this mess. Amazingly, they will be act as if they have been victimized, and abandoned.

Though most of the time, everything a narcissist does is not genuine, the collapsed narcissist is feeling very real feelings. They are genuinely upset their world has collapsed.

They may become suicidal, and self-destructive, or abusive and dangerous towards others. This is one area where there are some gender differences;

Female narcissists tend to decompensate into an emotional implosion; endless tears, refusing to get out of bed, threatening suicide, or other self-harm. They are very unstable and can vacillate from this implosion, to exploding rage, and back to hopeless and helpless breakdown.

Male narcissists tend towards aggression or passive aggression; they can be raging, demanding, attacking, one minute, and falling into deep, furious brooding the next. Both men and women can be intensely scheming and vengeful towards those who they perceive have thwarted them or exposed them.

The aggression and vengeance can be very dangerous; These are people lack empathy, are angry, feel justified to take their anger out on others, and feel they have nothing to lose as their world has literally collapsed. This is a dangerous combination.

Tactics to cope with and re-inflate the collapse include denial, projection, and blame shifting. Initially they will do everything to hold up their grandiose delusions; they will assert their version of reality ad nauseum. If that fails to garner agreement, they will then resort to lying about others, diverting and attacking to get the focus off of themselves. They will project their own fraud, dishonesty and other failings onto others; directly accusing them of the things they themselves have done. And consistently and constantly, they will shift all blame to anyone and everyone in the vicinity, especially focusing on those they have victimized.

Some say that the narcissist’s denial and projection are to protect themselves from feeling the intense shame brought on by having to face the reality of themselves; while other professionals see it completely differently. They see the narcissist’s denial as a tactic they use to manage others’ impressions of them, to maintain their image, and to, at all costs, avoid responsibility.

Either way, their level of rage and meltdown, is directly proportional to how serious a mess they’ve made of things, and how image-shattering and depressing it would be to admit their shortcomings and failures.

Do they bounce back; absolutely;

This collapse is sadly, the point where many empathic people are drawn back in to try again with the narcissist. They get hooked by the narcissist's genuine upset and neediness. The wild swings of emotion feel real and may feel like real love. The narcissist is insisting you return to your place in their needy, empty, world, supplying the hot air for their balloon. And perhaps because they are more real in their emotions and self-expression at this time than they’ve ever been, their pleading, and love-bombing are very seductive.

In a normal relationship, this level of emotion might be seen as remorse, and an opportunity to regroup, clean up the communication errors, and renew the relationship on healthier footing. However, if you listen carefully, you will hear that the Collapsed narcissist is only blaming you and others for their upset. By this constant blaming, you can see that even in this moment of complete collapse, they have no ability or willingness to own their behavior, shift, change, or grow. Instead of learning from this moment, and seeing that their attitudes and actions caused the entire scene, they are demanding that you and others “fix” the situation. This should make it clear there is no change in sight.

It will be the same empty, abusive, negligent, relationship focused only on them and their needs.

As soon as the narcissist has what they want again, as soon as the collapsed balloon is re-inflated, you will be reinvolved with the same ungrateful, disrespectful, abusive, childish tyrant. The narcissist doesn't want the relationship back because they love you; they simply need you to fill them up when they’re empty, and to be their emotional garbage can, when they are overflowing with negativity. This will never be the reciprocal, loving relationship you want, need or deserve. Remember, as I said in another video; Narcissists don’t love, they take hostages. The narcissist may call this love, insist they love you, and in the past, you may have felt this as love; but it isn’t; it’s the same trap.

The collapsed narcissist is a miserable thing to witness and the thought that you may have triggered it through your own self-care is often enough to send one back into this dead-end relationship. But don’t give in and don’t give up. Stay the course of freeing yourself. Think of this as a childish tantrum; it’s just bigger and scarier. If you give in, you will get more of the same. If you stay the course, you can free yourself from this endless emotional minefield that is the relationship with the narcissist.