Emotional Intelligence; The 10 Foundations of Exceptional EQ!

When I worked with teens and horses, I realized that the primary gifts horses give us is actually to help us develop Emotional Intelligence. They do this by requiring us to we read their emotions through their body language, they also continuously read us and reacting to our emotions, thereby reflecting those emotions back at us, through their actions and reactions. And they don’t read our surface emotions; they read the underlying emotion; if I go into a round pen with fear but cover it with bravado; they read the fear, and respond or react accordingly. This feedback loop creates infinite opportunities to understand ourselves and others in much deeper and more complete ways.Horses also need us to be our best selves; we need to be caring, empathic, gentle and yet assertive. We have to be resilient, willing to accept feedback, and adjust, and to be able to give the most gentle communication, all the way to an insistent directive; matching our intensity to that of the horse, so that if a horse is sensitive and responsive, we would be careful and subtle in our communications, and if a horse was stubborn and dominant, we would be more assertive to make sure we were not bullied.By working with horses, you find that over time you learn and strengthen these muscles, until these emotional intelligences are ingrained and active throughout all relationships; horse and human. Truly, if you think about it, All of our relationships can act as these types of feedback loops; if we diligently notice other’s communications, with the underlying emotions; not just verbal but all of the non-verbals, responding to them with conscious communication of our own, from subtle all the way up through assertive; and then noticing how we are received in order to learn and grow in our own self-awareness, and self-efficacy.Sadly, we get so caught up in the complications of our relationships that we lose out on these important lessons and this critical information. the term Emotional Intelligence became widely known with the publication of Daniel Goleman's book: Emotional Intelligence – Why it can matter more than IQ[27] (1995) and much has been written about why it is so important; from our personal to our business lives and throughout our relationships, so I won’t reiterate that info. Rather, I’m going to share the Foundations of Exceptional EQ In general EQ seems to universally be understood as the individual's ability to process emotional information and use it to navigate the social environment.

The following are the Ten Foundational Attributes of Emotionally Intelligent People; As we go through this, ask yourself how you are doing in each area so you can assess your own EQ, and know where to focus your attention as you work to boost your EQ. You may even want to have a journal handy to take notes for yourself.

1.Introspection.Self-awareness and social awareness; is not only how we see ourselves, but also how we perceive others to see us. This is interesting because we in our independent culture fight this as co-dependent or weak or something, but let’s go back to the horse; If I self-righteously relate to every horse with the same commands and intensity, I’m just a robot barking orders; and the horse, who is very relational, is not going to want anything to do with me.I have to get to know the horse, watch her, absorb what she’s about, even empathize with her; is she afraid, frustrated, confused?And then I would modulate my communications with her taking into account how she learns, how she feels, and how she is receiving what I’m trying to communicate.And I would continually adjust.So why are our human relationships so different?Truth is they are not.When we connect and communicate with others, we need to watch, listen, notice what the other is feeling, notice if what we’re saying is effectively communicating what we are intending, or is it making them afraid, confused, or frustrated?Then we should adjust accordingly so that we are connecting in the cleanest and clearest way possible. So as you assess your self-awareness and social awareness, ask yourself; Do you notice the emotions of others as you’re talking with them; not just the surface emotions but do you wonder and even ask the person, what is going on under the visible emotion?Do you notice how you are being received by others?Do you seek to adjust your communications when you see you are confusing, frustrating, or causing fear or insecurity?

2.Empathy.Empathy is a critical part of EQ. “Empathy is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference, so it refers not only to the feelings we get in response to others’ emotions, but also taking their perspective to identify and understand other peoples’ emotions.’If you’re a naturally empathic person, you feel deeply and sometimes have to modulate your empathy so you don’t get too drawn into other’s emotions. But if you’re not empathic, did you know empathy can be cultivated and learned through experiences. It’s about seeking to connect; find commonality above all else, Instead of judging or labeling them, it doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with another person's point of view; it's about striving to see their perspective which allows you to build deeper, more connected relationships.If we are truly empathizing with others, we will naturally be true to the Golden Rule of treating others in the same way we want to be treated. As you assess your own empathy level; do you seek to understand the other’s point of view and emotions, or are you always thinking about what you’re going to say next? Are you trying to put yourself in their shoes, to feel what they may be feeling so that you can get where they are coming from and find resolution, or Are you more focused on “winning” the debate or argument or conflict?Are you trying to find common ground, the best compromise, or the richest collaboration, or are you jumping to judgment in your mind, finding fault, belittling and putting yourself outside of them.

3.Humility;Humility is not about being less than, in fact it’s about being; “right-sized”, and I love that because it reminds us that we are each special and important and the same size as every other who is also special and important. We are neither the king of the hill nor the garbage on the street. Humility is a fundamental foundation of EQ because arrogance is so destructive to connection, to relationships, to being able to see yourself and your actions accurately or learn or grow. But also, feeling and believing you are not important at all is destructive to relationships, connectedness, and growth. If you are constantly degrading yourself, putting yourself down and under everyone else, you cannot connect with others in healthy ways.Humility says that all input and feedback, even negative and even when not delivered in the most loving way, is a chance to learn. People who are humble, can apologize and take responsibility and accountability without feeling they are going to shatter.It takes strength and courage to be able to say you're sorry. But doing so clears the field for true reconciliation and repair of relationships whether personal or professional. When you take ownership of your part, the other is naturally less defensive and more willing to look at his/her part and the resolution can be found.People often have the mistaken belief that the worst thing is to admit your part in a conflict. Truly the worst thing is to break a relationship over something silly and many of the things I see people breaking relationships over are very silly. Admitting your part means you value the relationship, the other’s perspective, and their emotions over your own ego.Humor is closely related to humility and can be the best thing to help us through challenging relationship hurdles. When we can look at ourselves, laugh at our foibles and humanness, we can learn and grow our EQ so much more effectively. As you assess your humility, do you tend to think of yourself in healthy humanness? Are you perfectionistic towards yourself and others? Do you expect too much and then feel like garbage when you can’t be perfect? Are you arrogant towards others so that they feel intimidated or less than in your presence?Or are you humble, connectable, able to see your strengths and challenges accurately and laugh at your humanness.

4.Strengths-focused.Staying focused on strengths is a critical part of EQ. This means for yourself and for others. In my work with clients, I search for and mirror the client’s strengths; the client who is struggling in many areas of their life, is also doing other things well; it is part of my job to find and reflect back those strengths; and then to generalize those strengths to help them utilize those in the areas of struggle; when you focus on others’ strengths and when you appreciate and acknowledge those strengths to them out loud, you not only connect with them through their best qualities, but they feel known and cared about; this is such a basic and important human need that it can make or break our relationships; when we feel known, cared about and appreciated, this is like the soil, water and sunshine for the human spirit.when you focus on the good in others. Then, sharing specifically what you appreciate, you inspire them to be the best version of themselves.And guess what; when you focus on the good in yourself and appreciate yourself inside rather than always beating yourself up, you can grow into the best version of you.So be positive in your feedback; appreciating the person’s strengths even while offering input on something you’d like to have them look at differently. An example might be; ‘I appreciate how you are open and honest with me in our conversations; when our emotions get intense, I find myself getting more defensive so if we can sit down and talk in calmer tones, it will be easier for me to listen to what you’re saying.’In this way, you can reframe criticism as constructive feedback, so the person sees it as helpful instead of harmful; collaborative instead of blaming or critical. These skills help prevent a lot of the resentments people grow in their relationships; when we are positive, appreciative and frame feedback in ways that are intended to be helpful, resentments do not poison our relationships. As you assess your strengths-focus; do you notice and build on your own strengths, seeing your struggles as challenges and opportunities to learn and grow; or do you tend to label your struggles as failures and wallow in them? Do you notice and build up those around you, or focus on their problems and put them down? Even when we put them down inside our heads, or behind their backs; this is focusing on the negative and on their weaknesses and builds on our own judgmental nature.

5.Trust in your BS meter.EQ people recognize when others attempt to manipulate their emotions to promote their personal agenda or for some other selfish cause. Because we are noticing the underlying emotions of a person, we are able to see their underlying agendas too. Being able to see this and to confront it or distance yourself from that person with appropriate boundaries is to continue to sharpen your own emotional intelligence and to protect yourself from manipulation and other’s control of you.Do you listen to your BS meter? When others are judgmental, or manipulative, do you stand your ground, refuse to be bought in or do you second guess yourself and get caught up in others’ drama?.

6. Know and live your Values in my work, clients often come in very confused about who they are or what they want; we first talk about their values. I ask; What do you believe in? what moves you? What do you care about? What matters most to you? What character qualities do you respect most in others? And then we talk about how much they feel they are living their values? This is an ongoing assessment; so ask yourself; what matters most to you? What character qualities are most important to you? Are you living your values? How much of the time? and what is in the way of it being more?

Sometimes a person realizes a relationship is pulling them away from their values; or a job; or a friendship. How do you assess these issues within yourself and move TOWARDS your values.

This genuine drive to have your insides match your outside is what we refer to as Authenticity. Or integrity; integrity is when your inside and outside are integrated into one;

7. Curiosity

“I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.” — Albert Einstein

curiosity did not kill the cat; I don’t know who did but it was not curiosity. Curiosity is essential and is a foundation of EQ. Curious people are interested in everything and everyone, and open to learning new things. They are teachable and that is essential for EQ. Curiosity gives you a perspective of Continuous Learning; you continue to analyze old information, habits and ways of doing things to see if you can find ways to improve. This is also the foundation of every really effective problem-solver; looking at why we do what we do, and continuously improving gives you a mindset geared at bettering yourself and always remaining open to new ideas.

8. Passion for Helping Others.

No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

at the end of the day, our legacy is in our relationships; how do we want to be remembered? For our cool car? Or how we loved and were there for others? Emotionally intelligent people keep their values in the forefront of every endeavor, every conversation and every interaction; always putting listening and caring above all else. When you think about the most important people in the world, when they are passionate about helping people, they are seen and felt so differently than the famous people who are self-centered, self-focused, and don’t care about others. So whatever you do, do it within the scope of your values and for the passion of helping others.

As you assess your passion for helping others; do you notice what you do each day to help others? Does it matter to you? How could you put more attention on this aspect of your life?

9.Optimism

There is not a lot that we can control in life; The Only things we can control are the triple A’s; our Awareness, Attitudes, and Actions.

When we maintain an attitude of gratitude, optimism, and can-do, we are going to be happier, healthier, and more able to be in more positive relationships.

As you assess your attitude; do you notice the negatives in a day or can you draw out what you’re grateful for, what the blessings are in your life, what the positive possibilities are instead of just focusing on the possible problems or hindrances.

10. Adaptability

Emotionally intelligent people recognize when to continue their course, and when it’s time for a change. From the way you treat yourself, to how you treat others, to your daily routine, being open to feedback and then actually adjusting and adapting is critical.

Throughout your life, you’ll need to change course to make sure your life is matching up with your values, shifting to make it match better;

As you assess your adaptability; do you stay stuck in a relationship way past when it is healthy for you? Do you stay in a job or an apartment or a friendship even when there are many indications it’s not good for you and is pulling you into unhealthy directions? Are you making decisions based on your values or out of fear or resistance to change or something else?