How to Improve Your Relationships if You Have Borderline Personality Disorder!

If you’ve been given a diagnosis of BPD, you might be feeling confused and upset and not sure where to go or what to do. It’s certainly best to get professional help. And you’ll do best if you learn and practice new coping skills.

What does it mean? Can I have successful relationships? How do I learn to cope and not feel like I’m out of control all the time?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious challenge in the ability to keep a feeling of constancy when in relationship with others; you often feel an intense fear of abandonment and may realize that you feel this when there is real abandonment, when there is not real abandonment and that you’ve created your own abandonment with your extreme reactions, and needs.

Learn to modulate your emotions; ask yourself if your feelings fit the facts? If you’re reacting as if your partner is leaving you when they are actually just going to hang with a friend for a couple of hours, or visiting their mom, or taking a hike with the dog; are your extreme emotions legitimate or irrational? If they are extreme or completely irrational, you can self-calm and self coach into a calmer and more rational state. Imagine your intensity on a 1-10 scale with 1 being calm and 10 being in a rage/screaming/crying/ you get the picture. Become aware of what your intensity level is throughout each day. Keep yourself between 1 and 5 at all times and when you start to go past 5, step away from whatever is happening and take care of yourself so you can get back between 1 and 5. Go for a walk yourself, open an inspiring book, or Calm app, or put on some music and relax, or call a friend and go do something. You get the picture. This is what emotion regulation or modulating your emotions means, and it’s critical for being successful in relationships.
Learn to let go; If you smother your partner, you won’t gain control, you’ll lose your partner. No one, no matter how much they love you, will want to be together 24/7. They may tolerate that level of neediness and demand for a time, but they’ll be itching for escape and eventually they will escape in one way or another. If you want to be successful in relationships, you have to recognize the needs of the other person. They need to be with friends, family, and be on their own; this is good for their mental health and for yours. Learn to be on your own, be with friends, and with family. finding balance will help keep your relationship fresh and vibrant, and will let the person know you trust and can let them be themselves; and they don’t have to be there for you every minute; under your constant control. Learn to let go.
Pay attention to their wants/needs/interests/passions. People with BPD tend to be so absorbed in their own fears that they miss out on knowing others and often don’t realize what they are missing. Ask questions and really listen; plan to do things that are for the other person, not just you. Be there for them in their needs and for their emotional well being, and not just your own. You will be amazed how much better you feel when you are not the “needy one” and you are there for others. You will feel more competent, capable, and you will actually feel more love through this sense of reciprocity.
Recognize what is love and what is control; when you control someone, you feel secure, but that is not love. When you are sharing and caring for one another, that is love, and that truly feels so much better. Recognize the difference and be self aware when you are doing the controlling and when you are loving. Spend more time in the reciprocity and loving and less controlling.
Be open to honest discussions and actively ask for feedback from your partner and be willing to hear both the positive and the negative. When you hear the negative, squelch the desire to argue, to bolt, to get angry, or to collapse into hopeless, helpless tears. None of these are productive; instead, take the information in and say you’ll think about it and work on it. even if you feel like collapsing or bolting, say these words; you want your partner to be able to be honest so you have to tolerate that honesty. If you don’t, you’ll never get it and the frustration will go underground, which, again, leads to what you fear most; abandonment. So listen and take it in and then actually do something about it; if you hear that you’re still being reactive when they want to spend time alone, commit to working on lessening your reactivity.

So in summary; learn to modulate your emotions, making sure your feelings fit the facts; learn to let go; pay attention to your partner’s wants/needs/passions/interests; recognize what is love and what is control; be open to honest feedback and keep working on that input. When you put all of these strategies together, you can be successful in relationships!