The Loneliness Epidemic!

The Loneliness Epidemic

Loneliness is not about being alone; we can feel lonely in a crowd of family, friends, and colleagues. Loneliness is about feeling disconnected from others. Why is loneliness escalating into epidemic proportions, and what can we do to feel more connected?

I’m not going to get into a bunch of stats but here are a few interesting ones; almost half of the people in a recent study report feeling alone, left out and isolated. Only 18% report feeling their relationships are meaningful or close. And the former US surgeon general cited loneliness as the “greatest pathology” he saw, and that it was seriously “impacting the ability of his patients to live healthy and fulfilling lives.”

Studies have shown that Loneliness is linked to cardiovascular problems, poor sleep, depleted immune function. In addition, loneliness lowers creativity and reasoning abilities, causes declines in workplace productivity, job satisfaction, and higher unemployment. In terms of mental health concerns, loneliness rather obviously, leads to higher rates of anxiety, depression, suicidality, as well as higher compulsive use of technology, drug alcohol, and cigarette use, and self-harm.

In surveys to determine the factors that contribute most to human happiness, respondents consistently rate connection to friends and family—love, intimacy, and social affiliation—above wealth or fame, even above physical health.

In the past few years, laboratory research has examined the power of our need for contact with others and has, in fact, mapped its physiological roots.

Cooperation, empathy, and positive social interactions activate the "reward" areas of the brain, much as those areas are activated by the satisfaction of hunger.

social rejection, activates the same areas that light up when we are subjected to physical pain.

Despite genuine, human desire to connect, many people undermine social connection; and tend to alienate rather than engage others.

What results is an avoidance paradox: lonely people perceive a socially threatening environment while simultaneously feeling the need to connect with others.

What are the causes?

It turns out much of what causes us to feel isolated is our own thoughts, actions and attitudes;

Social Media; Yes, studies show that those who spend more than two hours a day on social media had twice as much perceived isolation as those who spent 30 minutes or less on social media.

Individualistic ideology; we like to think of ourselves as unique, autonomous.

We see vulnerability as weak and fear our inability to compete in the workplace, and in social settings or social media; we are continually comparing ourselves and wanting to outdo others.

For some, it’s working long hours and days, burying ourselves in the competitive busyness of life, and then numb ourselves with alcohol, drugs, and Netflix.

What most don’t realize is that we don’t make friends or connections by impressing people, but through authenticity and vulnerability.

As Brené Brown writes in her book, Daring Greatly, when we allow ourselves to be seen — when we admit our fears or self-doubt — we connect with others and in turn give them permission to be themselves. In sharing our fears and insecurities, we find true relationships. In order to connect, we have to admit we don’t have it all together; that we have challenges and difficulties; that we need help and don’t want to go it alone. When we stop focusing on what makes us better than, and focus on what we all have in common, we create connection.

What can we do we do specifically, to get more connected to others;

1. Show up; you wont find new people in your apartment, or online, or on tinder. What interests you? Or what might even interest you? Find a club, group, or meet up that does that and go. Yes, you’ll have to push yourself through the discomfort, but it will be worth it. just go.

2. When you’re with others, ask them about themselves first and then really listen for what they’re saying that you can connect with and what interests you about what they’re saying. How can you relate to what they are doing or thinking or feeling?

3. Share, Have a concept of equality and reciprocity active in your mind. Notice what they are relating to in your story and build on that.

4. The Donts; but dont be a know-it-all, dont one-up them, and dont over talk them.

5. When you connect with someone, invite them to another gathering to share, or share numbers to text and connect again later. It takes time to build a connection so start small and keep it going.

6. Be courageous and feel the fear but do it anyway; courage is not feeling no fear; its about feeling fear and blazing ahead anyway. My best friend and I joke about our “first date” when I called and asked if she wanted to go to a fundraiser with me. I was so uncomfortable asking her but I felt we were kindred souls and im so glad I pushed past my fear and asked.

7. If it doesnt work out, keep on trying. You may later realize this friendship is not going well, its ok to let it go and put your time and energy in a different direction. You are not going to connect with every person; our deepest friendships are few and special, and they take time to get to the point of comfortable.

So in summary; Loneliness is about connection, not being around lots of people, and it is something that needs to be tended to consistently. We should take this as seriously as physical activity and eating healthy, since we’ve seen it impacts our health as much or more than these things.