Vengeance, Resentment, and Forgiveness!

Vengeance, Resentment and Forgiveness;

Vengeance is a popular rant these days and it’s shocking how much many people dwell on and fantasize about what they’d like to do to get back at someone. Resentment is the quieter version of vengeance and takes up just as much valuable space in our minds, as we stew in anger. Forgiveness feels weak and seems like it makes us a victim. But let’s look at the reality of these three things and how they really play out in our minds.

We live in a culture so bent on revenge; getting over on, and getting back at someone who hurt us, that we are literally poisoning ourselves from within.

Everyone has heard the analogy that holding a grudge is like drinking poison, hoping the other person will die. But do we REALLY get how truly poisonous this is?

When we stew in anger and resentment, we are flooding our systems with stress chemicals. These chemicals have now been shown to cause a depletion of the immune system, depressing the helper cells that keep us from getting everything from a cold or flu, to possibly cancer. The stress chemistry has been shown to cause damage to our cardio-vascular system, leading to increases in blood pressure, strokes, heart attacks, etc. And this stress chemistry creates a cortisol build up in our brains, which causes depletion of the serotonin, endorphin and other positive neurotransmitters, leading to or exacerbating depression and anxiety. So to say we’re drinking poison, is not an exaggeration.

What else does this do to us? Stewing in vengeance and resentment keeps us hooked into the person who wronged us. Have you noticed that when you’re planning your revenge, when you’re dwelling in the wrongs of others, you’re angry and frustrated and that’s all you think about or talk about or fantasize about. You’re renting free space in your valuable mind for that person and their wrongs. How much space and how much time have you spent rehearsing angry conversations? Vendettas? Vengeful plans? How much more do you want to give that person? Sadly, many people give up a lot of space for many years, and are largely unaware of it’s impact on their lives.

We undermine relationship possibilities by being rooted in the past; have you ever met a new person and as you’re talking you wander into their past relationships and they just go off? It definitely quenches any spark anyone may have for you if you’re still spewing angry rants about a past relationship. Dwelling in resentment is an anvil around your neck that drags you down, and it also effectively fends off any hope of a new positive relationship in your future.

Healing is never aided through vengeance. Vengeance begets more vengeance. If you get caught at your dastardly deed, you will have created a cycle of vengeance that can continue between you way into the future. If you “get away with it” you are still tied to that person through your deed(s) and whether you feel remorse or not, you’ve sealed yourself to them through your vengeance. You will be more likely to continue to rent that free space as you either dwell on the satisfaction you have from your mean act, or you plan more meanness to add to what you’ve done.

The challenging truth is that Healing and moving on with our lives involves forgiveness;

How do we understand forgiveness in a way that doesn’t make us feel weak or duped or victimized. Some basic truths; Forgiveness is an internal process and may never be shared with the person you’re forgiving. Forgiveness doesn’t mean restoring the relationship. Boundaries and even no contact may be entirely warranted and has nothing to do with forgiving.

Forgiving means to accept the reality of it, to grieve, to integrate the experience, to release it and the person, and to move on.

Accepting the event doesn’t mean it was ok; what happened was likely awful, horrible and even despicable. AND it happened. You didn’t choose it and you can’t reverse it; Nothing you can do will change what happened. Your only choices are how you handle it now.
Grief; this is critical; you have to grieve; grieve over your loss of the relationship with the one who hurt you, or your imaginings of what the relationship would turn out to be, or your own innocence, or whatever you need to grieve. I’s critical to spend time allowing your sadness over this to be felt, expressed, cried out, journaled out, whatever it takes. Grief always involves many aspects including anger, what if’s, sadness, denial, and can wander in and out of these aspects many times. Take the time to come all the way around to acceptance.
Integration; Sometimes during this time we ponder what we could have done to protect ourselves better, or what we will do differently in the future. This is not about self blame at all and we need to be careful not to get down on ourselves, but at times we do learn to have stronger boundaries or in some other way to take better care of ourselves. At times there was nothing at all we could have done, and then integration is just about internalizing the fact that we survived.
We may need to set new boundaries as part of how we move on; this may be anything from blocking all contact with a person, to filing for a protective order, or police reports, or it may be simply being more distant to someone who is emotionally hurtful to you.
Letting Go; if you pray or meditate or have spiritual beliefs or practices, these are helpful during this step. Visualize letting go of the person, your anger, your resentment, all of the emotional baggage and energy that has lived in your being. If you need help, there are many relaxation/visualization apps that might help. Really breathe into this experience, breathe in calm strength, and breathe out the anger/rage. If you’ve done the above steps this will feel natural and good. If you’ve missed something above, you might struggle. Go back up and look at anything you might have missed.
Internalize the messages; it happened, it’s in the past; I’m not going to give it my future; I’m going to release this now; I’m done with it; I don’t have to let it live on in my body and mind; I’m releasing the anger and resentment.
You may find a lightening of your mood and a feeling of internal peace. You may find that your perspective towards that person shifts. The power they used to hold over you is gone, they seem smaller and incapable of being powerful over you ever again. You may find you feel a calm strength instead of seething anger and bitterness. This is you taking back your internal space; regaining your center, you internal calm strength, relish it.

People will say, ‘yeah, but you don’t know what so and so did’ I can’t forgive that. Remember, this is for you, not them, this is a releasing of the anger and resentment you don’t want to carry for the rest of your life. You will carry it until you stop carrying it, it will make you sick and can even kill you, it will keep you from being close to anyone again, and will keep you seething in bitterness. What happened, happened; your choices are to become bitter or to become better. release or carry it. Choose to let go and move on with your life!